Home Between Us: What I’m Learning About Raising Siblings Side by Side
Dear Charli,
This is the first of a few letters I want to write to you about sibling relationships. About what they are, what they can become, and how we can be more intentional in building something strong between you.
Before you ever learn how to navigate friendships in the world, you are learning how to be in relationship right here at home.
Long before classmates, teammates, or colleagues, there are siblings. There is shared space, shared time, shared stories. There is learning, often without realizing it, how to listen, how to argue, how to forgive, how to stay.
Why Sibling Relationships Matter
Researchers often describe sibling relationships as a child’s “first laboratory for social development.” Through siblings, children begin to practice empathy, conflict resolution, and emotional understanding in ways that shape relationships across a lifetime (Society for Research in Child Development).
And those relationships matter more than people sometimes realize. Studies show that strong sibling bonds are associated with better mental health, higher self-esteem, and stronger peer relationships later in life (Dunn, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry; Psychology Today, 2025).
I love research. Truly. It gives language and structure to things that can feel hard to explain. But it does not tell the whole story.
Because what it doesn’t always capture is the quiet, everyday weaving of a relationship. The glances across a room. The shared laughter over something no one else would understand. The way a sibling knows you before you know how to explain yourself.
Growing Up With My Brothers
I grew up with two younger brothers, and what stands out most to me now is how much our relationships changed over time.
When my middle brother was born, I was four and a half and mostly remember feeling jealous of the attention he received. We didn’t grow close as we got older. We existed more in parallel than together.
When my youngest brother came along, it was different. I was older, more secure, and deeply curious about him. I took on the role of helper and protector. I read to him, cared for him, and was the one he came to in the middle of the night when he woke from a nightmare. For a long time, we shared a closeness that felt easy and natural.
Meanwhile, my brothers were close to each other. They shared interests and spent their time together, while I often felt set apart. We were expected to get along, but we weren’t truly connected.
As adults, everything shifted again.
I am now closest to the brother I once simply coexisted with. I trust him, seek his perspective, and genuinely enjoy our time together.
The relationship that once felt the strongest has become more distant. There has been misunderstanding and hurt, and while we have both made efforts to repair what we can, the relationship remains fragile. It is better than it was, but not what it once was.
What I understand now, looking back, is that sibling relationships are not fixed. They are shaped by time, circumstance, personality, and the environments we grow up in. Some things were outside of our control. Some things we might have handled differently.
I cannot go back and change any of it.
But I can reflect. I can continue to show up where there is space to rebuild. And I can carry those lessons forward.
I can also use them to shape the home we are building now.
Because this is important.
As your mother, I find myself watching not just who you are becoming individually, but who you are becoming together.
One day, I will not be part of your daily life. And one day, I will not be here at all. The people who will have known you the longest, who will have seen you in your most triumphant and most vulnerable moments, will be your siblings.
You will carry each other’s history. And in many ways, our family will live on through the three of you.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how I can be more intentional in helping you build strong, lasting relationships with each other. I do not think it happens by accident. I think it takes intention, from all of us, and especially from me while you are still at home.
So I am starting here, by talking about it. By naming why it matters.
In the letters that follow, I want to share more about what helps siblings grow close, what gets in the way, and what we can do, in small and everyday ways, to build something better together.
I know you are each in different places, focused on your own worlds, but this is something I hope you will pay attention to.
What I Hope for You
My hope is that you will build a bond that gives you shelter, strength, and courage for whatever life brings.
My hope is that you will enjoy each other.
My hope is that you will always have a home with each other.
And that matters.
More than almost anything.
Love,
Mom
Research & Reading
